the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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