Just fell off a train. Bad.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
