I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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