Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
