Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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