I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
