I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
