my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
