I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
