I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just had sex on a roof
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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