maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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