We won't sleep together?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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