Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
