Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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