do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
