ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
