what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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