Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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