if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
