I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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