I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
