i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
