Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
