i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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