Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
