Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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