Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am one with the molecules
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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