The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize