Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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