We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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