Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
