Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize