Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
