why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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