My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
