What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
