he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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