Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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