Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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