the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
