Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
