wat bout pragnant strippers??
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Holy shit dude........stairs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
