drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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