So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
