Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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