walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
