I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
