I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
