He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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