Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
