I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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