then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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