Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
