The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
