You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
