What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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