It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
