yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
