Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
