Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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