I think my vagina is haunted
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
