Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
