I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
