You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just gargled with NyQuil
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
