I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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