He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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