I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
